|MH| Solace: Chapter 1



Chapter 1: Sunset

MARCH 16, 1998, Monday

      Yoon-hee sat by the Kim’s front porch, happily watching the soft rain falling down on her thin hands. The gloomy skies could not bring her smile down for she had been waiting for this very day. Jinwon, her closest cousin-Oppa, was finally coming back to Jeonju after such a long time. She longed for the days when they used to play pranks on their older cousins and she loved having him around the most. They were like best friends and they were both inseparable. Even when it rained, they couldn’t be held down. They would still play outside merrily without caring what the adults would say.

      She could still remember clearly their last conversation before he left years ago.

Year 1991

      “You miss me already don’t you?” Jinwon teased, snickering as he ruffled her hair.

      “I do, Oppa,” she pouted. “Who will be here for me? You’re my best cousin ever!”

      “Well there’s still Kangjae Hyung or hmm… Dongwook Hyung. Heechul Hyung, too. Aren’t they pretty cool Oppas of yours too?” Jinwon said.

      “They are not the same as you,” Yoon-hee wryly smiled. “And besides, Heechul Oppa is weird.”

      “Aren’t we Kims all weird?” Jinwon chuckled.

      “Er… I guess we are,” Yoon-hee giggled.

      “Anyway,” Jinwon patted her head, “don’t be sad, Yoona. It’s not going to be forever. We may be separated by distance, but we’re family. We can’t exactly deny that fact.”

      “Are you sure you won’t forget me?” she said with puppy eyes.

      “Forget you? Cham! Not in a million years, are you kidding?” he laughed heartily. “It’s really hard to forget family members. And if there’s anyone whom I would go back for in this hometown of mine, it’s you. Besides, your my best dongsaeng ever… haha, don’t tell HaYeon that,” he whispered.

      “Really?” Yoon-hee laughed. “Anyway, what are you planning on doing with Jessica Unnie once she comes back from America?”

      “O-oh? Her? Well… we’re still friends but I don’t think she’s coming back after a long time.”

      “What a bummer. I miss her. Now I’m gonna miss you too?”

      “It’s not the end of the world, Yoona,” Jinwon said. “I’ll come back for you. I’ll come back.”

      A car stopped in front of the hanok-like house and her long, slim legs instantly sprang up. They’re here. They are finally here. Jinwon’s father came out of the car and Yoon-hee cheerfully bowed her head towards him. He smiled at her and then proceeded to assist Jinwon out of the car with an umbrella on hand.

      Yoon-hee had been anticipating this moment for so long. Jinwon was finally here. She still could not believe it. Jinwon really did keep her promise. He did come back. Out of excitement, her grin was as wide as it could be.

     Jinwon, on the other hand, stepped out of the car glum as ever for it was the day Stephanie’s hands slipped away from his reach. Nothing but regrets and self-hatred fueled him, painting his life a drab and irritating world. Even when he looked towards Yoon-hee who had the brightest smile just for him, he could only lower the umbrella to cover his eyes to shield it from the possible sunlight.

      When he walked towards the porch, Yoon-hee waved her hands excitedly. Jinwon did not pay any attention, making her a little upset for this was not how she imagined things would go. She thought, despite the rain, he would’ve ran to her and hugged her with open arms, or laugh merrily at how tall she had grown—for she was almost as tall as him. There was no comment—not even a sound or glance. He just trudged slowly with his eyes down while constantly glancing back at the car to see if his family was catching up.

      “Oppa,” Yoon-hee pouted. “You’re so mean… You’re not even saying hi?”

      “Hello,” Jinwon heartlessly bowed his head as he shot her a short glance and focused his eyes back on his family. Yoon-hee tilted her head in confusion, finding him strange for greeting her a little too formal.

    “What the hell was that?” Yoon-hee grumbled and crossing her arms to her chest, unable to hide her disappointment. Jinwon’s eyebrows scrunched but did not give her a glance; neither did he speak a word. Yoon-hee was blown out of her mind at how far Jinwon’s “fit” or “joke” was taking. She hasn’t seen him for a long time and this is how he treats her?

       When she was about to burst she was bewildered at what he was doing. Jinwon let the umbrella down and wondered how to get it to close. He saw his father do it a couple of times but it always blew his mind how it worked. As far as he could remember, he’s never done this before so he wanted to give it a try. But just how does it work? He held the wet, pointy end of the umbrella and tried to close it by pressing down, but it was stuck. He applied more strength to it and it was slightly bending to a close, but it still did not work. Yoon-hee scratched her head and scoffed. Just what is happening to him that he’s suddenly acting stupid? Everyone knows you close the umbrella from the inside.

       “You need help with that, Oppa?” she laughed with a worried gaze.

       Jinwon cleared his throat, feeling a little embarrassed that he needed someone to help him in simple matters again. He reluctantly handed her the umbrella and determined to learn how to do it. In no time, Yoon-hee was able to close it and Jinwon was silently amazed.

       HaYeon stood before them with Ginger on one arm and greeted Yoon-hee with a slap on her arm. “Yoon-hee-yah! It’s been a while!”

       “Unnie!” she smiled and hugged her with her long arms, feeling a little happier since she was greeted warmly, unlike someone who can’t even close the umbrella…

     “Have you guys been acquainted?” HaYeon said.

     Yoon-hee clicked her teeth and had a scowl on her face, “I just closed his umbrella for him.” Jinwon caught on that she was a little angry and immediately felt sorry knowing he wasn’t able to pay her much attention. He knew his upset heart was getting the best of him today.

      “Thanks…,” Jinwon shyly said to at least acknowledge her help. The two girls were blank for a second, and then HaYeon sighed. His voice clearly gave away that he did something that he regretted again, and he was trying to set things right. She was sympathetic towards him since knew all the struggles he was going through today even when he barely said anything.

      “Let’s go in, Oppa,” HaYeon said to Jinwon, softly pushing him into the house.

As the two girls followed behind him, Yoon-hee mouthed, “What’s his problem?”

      “I’ll tell you later,” HaYeon replied without a smile. The restrained sadness seen in her eyes confused Yoon-hee for she had never seen her so serious. It’s like the Jinwon and HaYeon she remembered did not completely come back at all.


      “I heard about what happened… is he okay?”

The adults gathered around the dining room to catch up with what had been going on in their lives. And though they tried to keep their voices down so the kids wouldn’t hear, Jinwon, who was sitting lifelessly by the couch, was sure they were talking about him and the accident he had gone through. The big controversy of his accident was a big topic among her parents. It was hard for them to stop talking about it since his memory loss had been such a shocking tragedy.

      “He’s… still recovering,” sighed his father.

      “Does he really not remember anything?” his grandmother asked.

      “He’s remembering bits and pieces, but… we can’t really say for sure,” said Jinwon’s mother.

      Meanwhile, Yoon-hee could clearly hear their conversation from the stairs, puzzled at what they were talking about. She approached HaYeon who sat beside the motionless Jinwon and awkwardly gestured to HaYeon, telling her she needed to talk to her. And so, they went to her room where only Ginger the black poodle kept them company.

      “What happened to Jinwon Oppa?” Yoon-hee began. “What are the adults talking about?”

      HaYeon told her about the accident and what condition Jinwon was in today, but she did not mention to Yoon-hee the much worse situation concerning his girlfriend, Stephanie, who was pregnant with his child.

      HaYeon and her parents made an agreement not to tell the others about Stephanie. Respecting the mother of his baby’s wishes, they promised not to tell him, the father, which means not telling anyone around him about it at all. Jinwon was already in a fragile state anyway. Above everything, Stephanie wanted and pleaded for those close to him to let him continue living a somewhat normal life.

      “So… he’s really forgotten all of us?” Yoon-hee’s voice broke in disbelief.

      “Well… as far as I know, he doesn’t remember a thing,” HaYeon sighed. “Maybe he will in time.”

      “How long do you think it will take him to remember?” Yoon-hee wondered.

      “I don’t know. I guess we have to try our best to make him remember,” HaYeon said.

      “Now that he’s back to where he spent his childhood on, I’m positive that he’ll remember us one-by-one,” Yoon-hee optimistically thought.

      “I hope it’s that easy…” HaYeon sighed.

      As the conversation about Jinwon’s condition went on among the adults, Jinwon stood up and walked around the house. He wandered to anywhere just so that he couldn’t hear anyone, just so that he could be left alone.

      You may think he left because he was sick of hearing the same things over and over again, but that was not the case. Today it was slightly different. He still could not get over the fact that Stephanie would no longer be a part of his life starting from today.

      And the words that continue to echo in his head since he hopped on to the car…

      “Can’t you make me stay?”

      “I can’t do that…”

      “Look, I love you…”

      “I loved you, too… but you’re not the same to me anymore.”

…was making him tear up and break down now and he didn’t want anyone to seem him drowned in this new emotion called heartbreak.

      Teary eyed, he went outside where the rain was still pouring. He thought he’d be alone, but there sitting by the porch swing was his grandfather staring into nothingness. The old man didn’t even notice him slam the door shut just now.

      His grandfather, old, big-bellied, and fragile, just sat there watching the rain pour down. His sagging complexion and expressionless face made it hard for Jinwon to read what could be on his mind. And since Jinwon kind of expected everyone to know him, he was a bit confused as to why his grandfather wasn’t saying anything. Jinwon stood there, waiting for his grandfather to take notice of him, but the old man did nothing other than breathe.

      Feeling like he needed to respect the grandfather he didn’t really know, he sat beside him, slightly rocking the swing. He shyly bowed his head as the old man stared at him with his apathetic-like eyes. Coldly, the old man turned his head away and coughed roughly.

      “What should I say?” Jinwon thought as he found himself inaudibly sighing and gulping after every other second. His grandfather didn’t greet him or even speak a word. They just sat there in silence, making Jinwon’s muscles tense up. He has never felt this kind of feeling—being ignored. Even though he hated the way that his grandfather never said anything, he didn’t really take it as a negative thing.

Did I do something wrong?

Should I not have sat beside him?

Did I bother him?

Those were the words he asked himself while he was with his grandfather. But it was followed with a deep sigh as he realized something about his own actions towards others,

      “So this is what it must feel like…”


      As Jinwon started unpacking his things that night in Yoon-hee’s room where he and HaYeon would stay for now, Yoon-hee entered shyly with a careful approach. She didn’t want to pressure him by saying things about their childhood, so she just sat there on her bed silently watching him do his thing. Jinwon felt rather uncomfortable with Yoon-hee’s eyes glued on her, but he tried to brush it off.

      He wanted to continue being stubborn and cold. He felt like he needed to be that way to not feel anything at all in life. He just wanted to be numb. However, remembering the uneasy feeling his grandfather had given him a while ago, he realized being cold was probably not the best thing to do.

      So, when he took out a toy rocket from his bag, he remembered that HaYeon once told her that this was from Yoon-hee. He stared at it for a while and then turned his eyes to his cousin.

      “This is from you, right?”

      “O-oh? Yeah…” Yoon-hee’s eyebrows went up as she saw the rocket figure. She felt the ends of her mouth tug up to a wide smile seeing he still has this toy after such a long time. It was the last gift she gave to him before he left Jeonju years ago.

      “Thanks for this. I really like it,” Jinwon smiled sincerely. Though he really didn’t know the memories behind it, he loved this toy and admired it very much. Yoon-hee felt her heart warm up at the thought of her Oppa liking it even though he has already forgotten about it. Jinwon appreciating her gift was enough for her. The past didn’t seem to be that big of a deal to her. She was just glad that he’s finally back and that somewhere in him he’s still that same Oppa she knew years ago.


MARCH 19, 1998, Thursday

      About 7 am in the morning, HaYeon woke up and found Jinwon’s bed empty. Usually Jinwon would wake up late at about 10 am so this was something new for her. Even Ginger was still a sleep. That’s how early it was.

      Curious as to where he was, she forced herself to get up from her bed and look for him. She looked around the halls and noticed everyone was still asleep. Tying her hair into a ponytail, she saw her early-bird grandmother already fixing breakfast. She walked up to her, greeted her good morning, and asked where Jinwon was. Her grandmother gladly pointed to the door indicating that he was outside.

      So she went outside. The first thing she saw on her right was her grandfather sitting on that porch swing as usual. And in his usual fashion, he once again ignored everyone, so HaYeon didn’t feel the need to greet him good morning.

      By the porch steps was Jinwon, sitting quietly with his head hung low. She softly patted his brother’s head and greeted him good morning.

      “Oh, HaYeon,” Jinwon smiled up at her as he closed the notebook he was writing on. “Good morning.”

      “What are you doing up so early, Oppa?” HaYeon asked as she sat beside him.

      “Eh… I couldn’t sleep,” Jinwon sighed. “I didn’t want to fall back to sleep either.”

      “You having bad dreams?” HaYeon asked.

      “Um… something like that,” Jinwon nodded.

      “What is it about?”

      “Um…” Jinwon hesitated to continue and HaYeon read right through him. She already knew what he was about to say. “It’s Stephanie,” he managed to say.

      “What about her?” HaYeon listened intently.

      “She was…” he sighed heavily and continued, “…rejecting me over and over again.”

      “Seems like your heart was extremely broken, huh?” HaYeon said.

      “The irony is I’m the one who broke her heart. I’m the one who broke everyone’s hearts,” he huffed with a frustrated tone.

      “Well, you didn’t break mine,” HaYeon chuckled. “You may have bruised it a little, but mine’s made of steel!”

      Jinwon scoffed heartily and laughed. “I’m glad you’re a strong one.”

      “Yeah, I’m an optimist. Learned that trait from you,” HaYeon snickered.

      After a bit of a laugh, Jinwon shoulders loosened and casually said, “Thanks HaYeon.”


      “Oh, you know, for being my sister.”

      “If you’re expecting to get a ‘thank you for being my brother” reply, you’re not getting it,” HaYeon snickered.

      “Oh come on,” Jinwon rolled his eyes and chuckled.

      “Hahah, Oppa. I know I’m your only friend. You don’t need to thank me. I already know you like me,” HaYeon said, raising her eyebrows up and down.

      “Tch, what?” Jinwon scoffed and laughed.

      “Admit it, you like me,” HaYeon said, cockily staring at him.

      “Fine, I admit. I do like you,” Jinwon said, side hugging her and messing up her pony tail with his other hand. “You’re a really cool sister.”


MARCH 22, 1998, Sunday

      As Jinwon’s grandmother sat beside him showing him all kinds of photo albums when he was a baby, Jinwon sat stiffly, not really caring about the stories she would say. He was annoyed that he had to go through this again, enduring people’s stories about him. He was just so fed up about his own past. The past is the past. The past is forgotten. He just wanted to be left alone for once… Well, on the bright side of things, he did admit that his baby pictures were pretty cute. That at least made him smile.

      As his grandmother was still talking about how he accomplished his first footsteps, Jinwon caught HaYeon and Yoon-hee scuttling down the stairs as they wore their coats. “They must be headed somewhere,” he thought.

      “Grandma, can I spend some time with my sister and cousin?” Jinwon suddenly said after not speaking a single word. He tried his best not to sound disrespectful and apathetic.

      “Sure! Of course you can,” his grandmother smiled, happy that he finally said something.

      With his grandmother’s approval, he stood up from the couch and called out to the two girls before they were out of sight.

      “Hey! Wait for me!” Jinwon shouted as he wore his own jacket. HaYeon and Yoon-hee turned around perplexed and stopped to wait for him.

      “I want to come with you,” Jinwon said to HaYeon as he finally approached them.

      “Why?” HaYeon’s head tilted. It seems Jinwon suddenly wanted to hang out with her after not wanting to be with her these past few months at all. She can never understand her own brother’s mood swings…

      “Why, is there a problem? I just wanted to get out the house…” Jinwon pouted.

      “Come along then, Oppa!” Yoon-hee smiled brightly. “But where do you want to go? HaYeon Unnie is going to her old friend’s house. I’m going someplace else.”

      “Oh, you should just go with Yoon-hee,” HaYeon said quickly. “I think it’s best if you spend some time to get to know each other, don’t you think?”

      “Sure,” Jinwon shrugged with a smile. Oddly, he was now in a good mood. It’s been a while since he felt like the world hasn’t crashed down on him. He only wished to be with HaYeon since she’s the only one he’s truly comfortable with, but Yoon-hee was also alright. Yoon-hee was one of those people who haven’t tried to pry his memories open. She treated him like he was new to school; he didn’t have to know his way around to be her friend.

      “Well, see you then! I’ll be back by dinner! Bye!” HaYeon said, waving her hands to them. They waved goodbye back to her. Soon, HaYeon was out of sight, leaving Yoon-hee and Jinwon.

      “So, where did you say you were headed?” Jinwon said, sliding his hands down his pockets casually, as if it could loosen the awkward air between them if he acted cool.

      “Oh me? You sure you really want to come with me?” Yoon-hee laughed.

      “I have nothing to do anyway,” Jinwon chuckled. “I’ll go where you go.”

      “Okay then,” Yoon-hee nodded slowly. “Let’s go,” she giggled.

      “Where?” Jinwon asked as they started walking.

      “To the cemetery.”

      “Wait… what?”


      “So who is it that you’re going to visit?” Jinwon asked as he trailed behind Yoon-hee.

      “A friend who died a long time ago,” she said with a hint of bittersweet memories echoing through her voice.

      “Ah…” Jinwon nodded and didn’t proceed to ask again. He knew it might not be appropriate to ask any further about this.

      When they reached the small cemetery near the old church, no one was there as it usually was, just a bunch of mounds and tombstones differing in shapes. When Yoon-hee was asking access to the guard on the gate, Jinwon stood there with his eyes wandering around the place. The tall, metal bars got him the impression that not anyone can just enter the resting place of dead bodies. And though it was a cemetery, the flowers and shrubs that bloomed new and colorful spring flowers surrounding the perimeter made the atmosphere lovely and homey. The cemetery was not a scary place to visit at all.

      Then he saw a black, metal bench that seems to have been repainted just right outside the gate—it was only a few feet away from him. He blinked and stared at it blankly for a few seconds. When he came close to it, rainy scenery flashed before his eyes.

There was a girl holding a black umbrella sitting on the bench with her head low, softly weeping by herself. And there he was as a little boy holding a notebook in hand.

      “Was that a memory?” he wondered.

      “Oppa! Are you coming?” Yoon-hee said breaking his thoughts.

      “O-oh, yeah,” Jinwon nodded. He took one last glance at the bench and ran to Yoon-hee. Together, they both went inside the cemetery and walked for a minute or two until they reached one small tombstone.

There on the marble rock was engraved:

Chrystal Soo Jung | 정수정
‘Jung’s precious jewel’
October 24, 1982 – April 18, 1991

      Jinwon sighed heavily as he felt his heart slightly sink at the short life span from 1982 to 1991. He realized that not everyone gets to live as long as they want.

      Yoon-hee gently laid a rose on the grave and sighed. Though no tears fell, she felt glum just looking down on this grave. Every year at April 22, it became a habit to Yoon-hee to visit this very grave. Chrystal became her friend for a very brief moment yet it was hard to forget about her. Chrystal was a really friendly and happy girl despite knowing she would die soon. Yoon-hee wanted to have that attitude—to be happy till the end even though things get hard. And visiting this grave usually gave her a sense of peace, a time to look back on what she had in life—a time to be thankful for what she have.

      She sat down on the grass and took out a notebook and a pen from her hoodie. Then she started writing. Jinwon just stood there, not really knowing what to do.

      “So… what kind of person was she?” Jinwon asked.

      “She was… really strong. Not physically, but just mentally and emotionally,” she said. “She knew she was going to die soon but she never showed any signs of sadness to everyone around her. She stayed the cheerful, happy girl till the end.”

      “What are you writing there, then?”

      “Oh this? I write letters for her. It’s just a way for me to vent I guess… Writing to her even though she’s gone makes me feel better when I’m down,” Yoon-hee said.

      Jinwon simply nodded and acted as if what Yoon-hee said was nothing to him. The truth is he’s been having this strange feeling of being here in this cemetery a couple of times in the past, more specifically standing in front of this particular grave.

      He also remembered that notebook… yes, that notebook that Jessica bought him a few months ago.

      He felt writing letters on a notebook like Yoon-hee was doing right now had once been a thing he used to do in his life. It was the feeling that never left him even after losing his memories—the feeling of ease when he writes down what he had in mind.

      Whenever the spring breeze blew in his direction, he felt at ease as if this place gave him the solace he had been looking for after the unfortunate events in his life. He’s only been here in Jeonju for a week and he already felt his burdens lift one by one.

      “It must be the fresh air,” Jinwon said. “It’s drafty back at the house.”

      “I guess,” Yoon-hee chuckled. “The air is refreshing, isn’t it?”



      “So, Yoon-hee,” Jinwon spoke as they slowly walked back to the house, “How’s life here?”

      “Mm?” Yoon-hee responded, startled by the sudden voice of his Oppa.

      “Well… since I’m going to live here for who-knows-how-long, I should know a thing or two about the place, right?”

      “What do you want to know?” Yoon-hee asked. “Since we live near the mountains, there isn’t much of a civilization around here in our area. Do you want to go down town? I can tour you…”

      “Maybe another time,” he smiled. Then he sighed. “It’s not really the place I’d like to get to know.  Eventually I’ll find my way around.”

      “Then why did you ask me?” Yoon-hee laughed.

      “Hmm… I don’t know.”

Yoon-hee tried to read his bright expression and saw sadness deep in his eyes though she couldn’t quite understand why. So she asked, “Do you perhaps… feel out of place?”

      “Ah? No…” Jinwon chuckled as he shook his head slightly. “I actually feel like this is where I’m supposed to be… for now at least.”

      “If that’s the case, then why do you look a bit sad?” Yoon-hee thought, but was too timid to say it.

      Silence fell on them as they walked for a few steps. They weren’t exactly that close anymore so the air felt awkward and uncomfortable. Yoon-hee didn’t want to feel that, so she continued, “You want to see something cool?”


      “C’mon! I’ll show you!” Yoon-hee grabbed Jinwon’s wrist and yanked him up the slope off road and to the mountain’s forest. There was a shady hidden path that led to somewhere and it looked like they could be lost in a single step. But trusting that Yoon-hee knew where she was going and what she was doing, Jinwon didn’t resist his dongsaeng and went along with her.

      Soon, they reached to a clearing on top of the mountain. Yoon-hee, still as happy as ever, squealed, “Look! Isn’t it beautiful?”

      While Jinwon was catching his breath, he kept cursing internally as to why he overworked himself to go with her like this. Yet when he looked up, he was left breathless and all the negative words he harbored in his mind suddenly vanished.

       There before them was the scarlet sun setting behind the mountain across the city, painting its purple and red strokes on the dark blue canvas. And since the evening was starting, the lights among the city slowly lit up one by one. As if on cue, when the sun had finally gone down, the whole city lit up like a neon banner, flickering at him like candles in a dim room.

      “Do you get to see this every day?” Jinwon asked Yoon-hee.

      “Not really… I’m surprised too, you know,” Yoon-hee laughed. “The heavens were never this beautiful before. Hmm… maybe it was, but I don’t remember. It’s been a while since I’ve been up here.”

      “We should come here often,” Jinwon said, “before it turns summer.”

      “We should.”

      Jinwon felt his cheeks go round as he smiled in amazement. He has never seen something so beautiful (as far as his memory goes). For a moment, his worries were taken away with the sun. Of course, the sun will rise again and so will his worries, but for now, it was good to give it a rest. At times like this, it felt good time to let his heart beat with ease like the calmness of the night.

CHAPTER 2: Moon & Stars

Chapter Theme Song:
This Is Home (acoustic) – Switchfoot

I’ve got my memories
They’re always inside of me
But I can’t go back
Back to how it was

I believe you now
I’ve come too far
No I can’t go back
Back to how it was

Created for a place I’ve never known

This is home
Now I’m finally where I belong
Where I Belong
Yeah, this is home
I’ve been searching for a place of my own
Now I’ve found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home

Belief over misery
I’ve seen the enemy
No, I won’t go back
Back to how it was

And I got my heart set on what happens next
I got my eyes wide
It’s not over yet
We are miracles
And we’re not alone

Yeah, this is home
Now I’m finally where I belong
Where I Belong
Yeah, this is home
I’ve been searching for a place of my own
Now I’ve found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home

And now after all my searching
After all my questions
I’m gonna call it home
I’ve got a brand new mindset
I can finally see the sunset
I’m gonna call it home

Oh, this is home
Now I’m finally where I belong
Where I Belong
Yeah, this is home
I’ve been searching for a place of my own
Now I’ve found it
Maybe this is home (this is home)
Yeah, this is home
Now I know
Yeah, this is home

I’ve come too far
No we won’t go back
Yeah, this is home


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